:'(

I used to think that how one look isn't as important as one's character/ values /results / achievements. I was proven so wrong today. I was so crushed. I could totally cry you a river now.

So what if I scored 61. so what. I am still freaking not up to any one's standard. I can't participate in any College's event. My college life is fucking ruin by my own fucking hands. Yes yes, I may be laughing with getting a probation in school but you got freaking no idea how fucking crushed I was inside. 

I've disappointed so many people. I am so very sorry Mr.Hon and Ms Rivera. I am aware that they both have been trying so hard to get me out of the probation list. Trying all ways to talk to my year head and DM.  but yet, I still disappoint them with my stubbornness. If only I could fucking care less about how I look. If only I were uglier. If only ... :'( 

To add on the fact that my mum gave me so much shit when I got home. She said I was challenging my College, she said I deserve it. You guys don't know how much she hurt me by saying that. its not the time to say that mum. ha-ha. I'm crying like a whimp now. 

Thinking of the many chances that I would missed in my College really pains me a whole lot. I really hate myself. To the very maximum. I brought myself to this................    Never knew this could bring me down so easily. 

This is life. 

My life. 

I've got the most awesome boyfriend and friends and this. 

I can't get the best of both things can I. 

I want to ball real hard tomorrow. Burn me in and out. 

You may laugh/mock / lecture/ whatever me now. Seriously go ahead. go ahead with a " pin your hair to school la!" go ahead with a " haha you totally deserve it". C'mon, one shot take all. i know its fairly stupid to be in this state. its not about something that I can't freaking change. its just a matter of I want it or not. My year head gave me chance, and I took it for granted, thinking that by running/hiding away from her would make me safe. I can run, but I can't hide forever. Whatever. I'm a loser.